The Anti-Humility Trap: When Leaders Talk Too Much

“I don’t feel like I’m even part of this conversation.”
“He just won’t stop talking.”
“She never asks for my input.”
“He thinks he has all the answers.”

If you’ve ever caught yourself with one of these thoughts at work, you’re not alone.

And if you’re a leader, that’s a problem.

Leaders are always communicating, be it through what we say, how we say it, and even what we don’t say. Every interaction sends a signal. Big moments like all-hands meetings or offsite events matter, sure, but it’s the small moments that shape how people feel about being on our team—the quick hallway chats, the check-ins, meeting discussion, collaboration or brainstorming sessions, and the after-meeting debriefs.

Unfortunately, many leaders unintentionally dominate those moments. They take up most of the conversational air. And when that happens, people stop feeling like they belong. They feel unseen, unheard, and undervalued. Then, their commitment begins to erode.

Let’s talk about what causes that: anti-humility behaviors.

What Are Anti-Humility Behaviors?

Anti-humility behaviors are the subtle ways leaders make conversations about themselves. It’s when we do the majority of the talking, always have the answer, or feel the need to “add value” to every discussion.

They’re often unintentional. They usually come from confidence, enthusiasm, or a desire to help. But to everyone else, they send a very different message: this isn’t a conversation, it’s a performance.

Here are three common anti-humility traps.

1. The Know-It-All

This leader has the answer to everything — and makes sure everyone knows it. Every meeting feels one-sided. Brainstorming sessions aren’t really brainstorming; they’re lectures. Others quickly realize their input doesn’t matter because the leader’s mind is already made up.

If you’ve ever sat in one of these meetings, you know the feeling: Why am I even here?

2. It’s All About Me

The “all about me” leader can turn any discussion into their personal highlight reel. You’re sharing about your weekend experiences, and they immediately start listing all the cool things they did. You mention a current challenge, and they jump in with their own story, where they are somehow the hero.

They don’t mean to alienate people, but they do. Because there’s no room for anyone else to belong in the conversation.

3. Adding Too Much Value

This one’s sneaky. It feels helpful. You want to share your experience or advice to make the discussion better. But here’s the truth: when we always “add value,” we often take space away from others.

Maybe someone shares a new idea, and we respond with, “Oh, you should try this instead.” Or a team member talks about their win, and we respond with how we did something similar, only bigger. Or the seemingly innocent offer of, “have you thought about doing this?”

We mean well, but we unintentionally communicate: my ideas matter more than yours.

This is a Big Deal

The pattern across all these anti-humility behaviors is clear: they center the leader and silence the team.

When people feel unheard or undervalued in conversations, it doesn’t just hurt the moment, it hurts the culture. They start believing their contributions don’t matter. They withdraw, stop speaking up, and eventually disengage.

And here’s the paradox: leaders who dominate conversation often think they’re driving engagement or demonstrating expertise. But the opposite is true. The more we talk, the less others feel ownership, safety, and belonging.

Leadership isn’t about having the best ideas in the room. It’s about creating a room where the best ideas can surface.

So, what do we do about it?

How to Lead with Humility in Conversation

Let’s get practical. Here are a few habits to help you avoid anti-humility traps and lead with curiosity, not control.

1. Be Interested, Not Interesting.

People naturally gravitate toward those who show genuine interest in them. Ask more questions than you answer. Listen to understand, not to respond. Remember the mantra instilled in me by my mom growing up: No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.

Try this: after every contribution in a conversation, ask one follow-up question before sharing your own thoughts.

2. Use the Acronym “WAIT” — Why Am I Talking?

It’s simple but powerful. Before you speak, pause and ask:

• Am I talking to help or to impress?
• Am I about to take space that someone else could fill?
• Is this my moment to contribute, or to listen?

Some leaders even write “WAIT” at the top of their meeting notes as a visual reminder (me, I’m that leader). Talk less. Listen more.

3. Play Conversational Catch.

Think of every conversation as a game of catch. Someone “throws” you the ball with their comment or question. You respond. Then you throw it back. If you never throw the ball back, the game gets boring.

Practice conversational catch: Respond briefly, then invite others in. Try phrases like, “What do you think?” or “How would you handle that?” You’ll be amazed at what you learn and how deeper the conversation actually goes.

4. Watch for Your Triggers.

Pay attention this week: which anti-humility behavior do you tend to slip into?

• Are you the know-it-all who always has an answer?
• The all-about-me who unintentionally turns the attention towards yourself?
• Or the add-too-much-value leader who can’t resist improving others’ ideas?

Once you know your default, you can interrupt it in real time.

5. Create Conversational Space.

Leadership is not a monologue. It’s about cultivating dialogue and creating space for others to think, share, and shape outcomes.

When you talk less, others step up. When you listen more, others engage deeper.

That’s not just humility. That’s effective leadership.

Conclusion

Every conversation is a small test of our leadership. Are we building connection and belonging, or centering ourselves? Are we helping people feel valued, or quietly making them feel invisible?

Leadership is a people business and that means it’s a conversation business.

So, this week, pay attention to how much space you take up. Say less. Ask more. Create room for others to fill.

Because humble conversations don’t just make people feel heard. They make people feel at home.