Stop Chasing Harmony: Why (and How) Leaders Lean into Conflict

Last year, I was part of a group text with several colleagues. It began as a space for coordinating work, but—like many group chats—it gradually expanded into humor, teasing, and the kind of informal banter that signals growing cohesion. One evening, though, a lighthearted comment I sent landed in a way I never intended. Within minutes, a colleague messaged me privately, furious and hurt. His texts came fast, laced with anger and accusation.

I remember staring at my phone, stunned. I hadn’t meant harm. I hadn’t even realized my comment could be interpreted that way. Yet here he was—clearly wounded, clearly upset—and I suddenly had no idea what to do next. The escalation froze me. I felt paralyzed, caught between my benign intent and his very real emotional reaction, unsure how to navigate the conflict that had erupted out of nowhere.

I thought, what do I do? (I will bring resolution to this story at the end of the article, I promise.)

Every leader knows the quiet dread that settles in when tension surfaces on the team. The offhand comment that leads to real consequences, such as in my case. A clipped comment in a meeting. A passive aggressive email. A project handoff that feels more like a turf war than collaboration. A direct report who has a strained relationship with a colleague that is out of control. These situations may not seem overly dramatic in the moment, but they accumulate. They shape how people speak, how they work, and ultimately how they trust. And yet, despite knowing this, most leaders do everything they can to avoid stepping into the conflict.

We rationalize it.

We hope it resolves itself.

We tell ourselves we’re “protecting the team’s harmony.”

But harmony is not the absence of conflict. Harmony is the result of conflict handled well.

Leadership, at its core, is a people business. And where there are people, there will be friction. The question is not whether conflict will emerge (it will), but whether leaders are prepared to engage it with clarity, courage, and competence. Conflict is not a distraction from leadership. It is leadership.

This article explores why conflict is inevitable, why it matters so profoundly for team performance and culture, the common mistakes leaders make when navigating it, and what leaders can do instead to turn conflict into a constructive force for alignment, learning, and collaboration.

The Roots of Conflict and Why It Exists

Conflict is not a sign that something is wrong with your team. It is a sign that your team is alive.

Teams—especially diverse, high functioning ones—are built on differences. Differences in roles, incentives, information, priorities, personalities, and interpretations of what “good” looks like. These differences are not flaws in the system; they are the system. They generate the friction that makes collaboration meaningful and productive.

The first question, then, is where does the conflict come from? There are a variety of conflict sources, but here are five common ones that tend to creep into our team’s dynamics and processes.

1.  Functional differences. Teams contain multiple functions—operations, plans, logistics, HR, engineering, sales, etc.—each one with its own purposes, timelines, and pressures. These differences naturally create tension. Operations wants speed; safety wants caution. Sales wants features; engineering wants stability. These tensions are not personal; they are structural.
2.  Information asymmetry. People rarely have the same information at the same time. What looks like resistance may simply be a different vantage point. What feels like obstruction may be a legitimate concern rooted in unseen constraints.
3.  Competing priorities and trade-offs. Every organization is a web of competing goods. There’s efficiency vs. thoroughness, innovation vs. predictability, and autonomy vs. control. Conflict often emerges not because someone is wrong, but because two seemingly right things cannot be maximized simultaneously.
4.  Interpersonal differences. Personalities, communication styles, emotional triggers, and histories all shape how people interpret and respond to tension. Relationship conflict often blends with task or process conflict, making the situation feel more personal than it actually is.
5.  Ambiguity and unclear expectations. When roles, responsibilities, or decision rights are unclear, people fill the gaps with assumptions. Assumptions breed conflict.

After recognizing the sources of conflict, it is also necessary to understand what conflict actually looks like in a team. We may feel like we have a harmonious, well-adjusted team. We may feel like this is not a problem for my team. However, just as there can be different sources of conflict among our team, it can also show up differently in people’s behavior. We don’t all address conflict in the same way. Conflict sometime announces itself with shouting, but more often, it appears as:

• Silence in meetings
• Side conversations
• Passive resistance
• Repeated misunderstandings
• Escalations that feel premature or unprovoked
• Emotional withdrawal
• Turf protection (“this is my project”)
• A general sense of “something is off”

These are not signs of dysfunction. They are signs of unaddressed tension—tension that, if surfaced and structured well, can lead to better decisions, clearer alignment, and stronger relationships.

Still Asking Yourself, “So What? Does This Really Matter?”

Conflict emerges because humans are messy. We are imperfect. We are irrational at times, not always being our best self on our best day but always doing what we think is best even if that is different from someone else’s idea of what is best. We are meaning-making creatures operating within complex systems. We interpret events through our identities, histories, and assumptions. We protect what we value. We react emotionally before we reason logically. And we often lack a shared method for resolving disagreements.

But, as mentioned earlier, conflict also emerges because organizations are designed around competing priorities. Healthy teams do not eliminate conflict; they navigate it. Thus, we are called to hold several important truths when leading these beautifully imperfect people seeking to beautifully contribute something meaningful to the world.

First, conflict is a leadership responsibility, not a distraction. Leaders often treat conflict as something that pulls them away from “real work.” But sometimes conflict is the work. It is where standards are clarified, expectations are subtly negotiated, and culture is made visible.

Second, avoidance quietly erodes trust. When leaders avoid conflict, people learn that issues are not addressed, that concerns are not heard, and that accountability is optional. Avoidance creates a false sense of harmony―quiet politeness―that eventually collapses under its own weight. This actually becomes the antithesis of psychological safety on the team.

Third, poorly managed conflict undermines performance. Unresolved tension slows decision-making, reduces collaboration, and increases emotional labor. Teams spend more time navigating each other than navigating the mission. In time, the tension becomes louder than the actual work, diverting attention away from the important work and toward the consuming distraction.

Fourth, constructive conflict actually strengthens teams. Handled well, conflict becomes a source of innovation, clarity, and cohesion. It surfaces hidden risks, challenges assumptions, and helps teams make smarter trade-offs.

Fifth, as in all things, leaders must model the standard. How leaders handle conflict teaches the team how to handle conflict. If leaders avoid it, the team will, too. If leaders engage it thoughtfully, the team learns to do the same.

Ten Common Conflict Resolution Mistakes That Leaders Make

Despite good intentions, leaders often fall into predictable traps when navigating conflict. Remember, we, too, are imperfect. These mistakes are not signs of incompetence or a lack of care—they are signs of being human. But they are also avoidable, and the first step is awareness.

1.  Making assumptions. Leaders often assume motives, intentions, or interpretations without evidence. Assumptions distort reality and make resolution harder.
2.  Taking things personally. Disagreement is not disrespect. When leaders internalize conflict, they lose objectivity and escalate tension unnecessarily.
3.  Looking for blame. Blame focuses on the past. Leadership focuses on the path forward. Blame rarely resolves conflict; it usually deepens it.
4.  Avoiding the problem. Avoidance is the most common mistake—and the most damaging. Problems do not disappear. They compound.
5.  Attacking character instead of addressing behavior. When conflict becomes personal, resolution becomes nearly impossible. Leaders must separate the person from the problem, and focus on the latter.
6.  Poor communication. Interrupting, rehearsing responses, or failing to listen deeply all contribute to misunderstanding and escalation, likely to make the situation worse.
7.  Addressing issues publicly. Public conflict discussions shut people down. Privacy nurtures trust and psychological safety. Don’t gossip, air other peoples’ dirty laundry behind their back, or share “news” given to you in confidence that is not yours to share.
8.  Addressing issues prematurely. Not all conflict should be handled immediately. Sometimes people need time to cool down or gather information. Rapid resolution is not the goal. Sometimes, leaders must be the ones to bring patience to the situation.
9.  Engaging in emotional discussions. High emotion impairs judgment. Leaders must create conditions for rational, grounded dialogue. Remember, emotions are not bad; we are all wonderfully created with them. Yes, some bring more emotion to problem solving than others, and that’s ok. But emotions do not drive our behavior, and we should not be controlled by them. We regulate emotions with logic and sharing space with the other party.
10.  Using the wrong communication medium. Simply put, email is a terrible conflict resolution tool. Tone is lost, assumptions multiply, and misunderstandings grow. We can’t hide behind tools or technology to successfully navigate messy, emotional tension.

Do These Instead: Five Practices for Managing Conflict Well

Leaders cannot eliminate conflict, but they can shape how it unfolds. The goal is not to suppress tension, but to structure it, so it becomes productive rather than destructive.

Below are five practices that help leaders transform conflict into clarity, alignment, and collaboration.

1. Surface and name the tension early. Conflict becomes toxic when it is allowed to fester. Leaders must normalize the act of naming tension before it calcifies into resentment.

This means saying things like:

• “I sense we’re seeing this differently.”
• “There seems to be friction here—let’s explore it.”
• “We’re circling around something important. Let’s pause and address it.”

Naming tension is not confrontation. It is leadership. Identify the issue and put it on the table for the group to address.

2. Diagnose the type of conflict before responding. Not all conflicts are the same. Leaders must distinguish between:

• Task conflict (what we’re doing)
• Process conflict (how we’re doing it)
• Status conflict (who decides)
• Relationship conflict (how we feel about each other)

Most conflicts are different blends of these but identifying the dominant or root type helps leaders choose the right response. Treating all conflict as interpersonal leads to emotional overreaction. Treating all conflict as task-based leads to logic fueled underreaction.

3. Create a shared method for resolving disagreement. Teams need a common language and process for navigating conflict. Without it, people default to personal habits—avoidance, escalation, defensiveness, or emotional withdrawal.

A shared method might include:

• Ground rules for discourse
• Expectations for listening and paraphrasing
• A norm of offering alternatives when disagreeing
• A commitment to address issues privately first

This structure reduces ambiguity and increases psychological safety.

4. Facilitate real debate, not performative agreement. Leaders must draw out dissent, especially from quieter voices. This requires intentional facilitation:

• Ask, “What risks haven’t we considered?”
• Invite alternative perspectives
• Require people to articulate the strongest version of the opposing view (red teaming)
• Slow down decisions when alignment feels too easy

Teams that debate well ultimately decide well.

5. Address behavior, not identity. Leaders must separate the person from the problem. Conflict escalates when people feel judged, labeled, or diminished. Leaders should focus on:

• Specific behaviors
• Observable impacts
• Shared goals
• Future actions

This approach preserves dignity while enabling accountability.

6. Close the loop and reinforce learning. Conflict resolution is not complete when the conversation ends. Leaders must:

• Revisit agreements
• Check for lingering concerns
• Reinforce positive changes
• Reflect on what the team learned

This transforms conflict from a one-time event into a developmental process.

Conclusion: Having the Courage to Lead Through Tension

Let’s return to my text group tension from the introduction. In the days that followed, I worked deliberately to repair the relationship. Even after rereading the messages and believing I hadn’t crossed a line, that wasn’t the point—he was hurt. So, I apologized sincerely, clarified my intent, and focused on restoring trust. He received it well, and today we’re in a healthy place both personally and professionally.

But the outcome wasn’t inevitable. Had we ignored the tension or mishandled the conversation, the relationship could have fractured in ways that would have rippled across the team, even potentially causing negative organizational impacts. Addressing the conflict directly didn’t just mend a moment—it protected the fabric of our working environment.

Remember, conflict is not a threat to team cohesion. It is the raw material from which cohesion is built. When leaders avoid conflict, they trade short term comfort for long term dysfunction. However, when leaders engage in conflict thoughtfully, they create conditions for clarity, trust, and genuine collaboration.

Leadership is not about preventing friction. It is about harnessing it.

The call to action is simple: Stop treating conflict as something to fear and avoid. Treat it as something to steward.

Your team does not need a leader who keeps the peace. Your team needs a leader who builds the capacity to navigate tension with honesty, courage, and skill.